Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A confession

I have been stewing and fretting and wondering how to write this post.

See, this whole weight loss process has become a gigantic depression-inducing thing for me.

(I'm sure you couldn't tell that by the posts I've been writing.)

Anyway, I am lucky enough, sincerely and truly lucky enough to get to work at a place where we have a performance review EVERY QUARTER.  From what I understand, this isn't normal in the professional work place.  Well my professional work place has been doing this for going on 7 years now and I look forward to them each quarter.  I look forward to them because they are always a time for me to learn and grow.  And I do each and every time.

It's a great time to reflect on my professional life (goals, accomplishments, weaknesses, etc.), as well as my personal life, and going one step further - my religious/spiritual life.

I have a boss who is probably one of my all time favorite people.  We work as a team quite well and he has helped improve me, my skills, my thought processes, and has challenged me more than anyone has ever done.  I'm so grateful to him, which is part of the reason why I so look forward to these meetings.

My quarterly review was yesterday (Monday).  As I was mentally preparing myself for this on Sunday, I dredged up a bunch of JUNK, emotional junk that brought me to the depths of despair.  I was a miserable human being all day on Sunday and the tears wouldn't stop flowing for all of the abuse I was giving myself, the pleading I was giving to the Lord, and just the sheer loneliness I've been feeling/experiencing as of late.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, the main reason is the fact that I don't like to fail.  In fact it has always terrified me to a point that I just don't plan for or do anything that would possibly make me fail.  I have ALWAYS been this way.  Setting up this very, VERY public way to diet and lose weight and try to become more healthy has turned out to be one ginormous failure that I could not seem to get over, especially because it wasn't just me experiencing it.  I wasn't only failing me - I was failing all (2-3) of you.

At least that was how I was looking and it and experiencing it and I was absolutely miserable as a result.

I'm not done dieting.  Quite the contrary, I'm more than determined to succeed.  And succeed even more than I could ever hope in succeeding.  Eating healthier, eating less, and exercising a whole lot more.

But to be a different kind of successful, I need to stop stressing/worrying/stewing/whining about it if I don't lose something every week.  I also need to stop publicly flogging myself.

I will continue to blog and post updates now and then, but not every day.  I just can't.  At least not right now.  I don't know if it's doing any of you any good, but it most certainly isn't doing me any good.  I can't even look myself in the mirror because of how much I despise myself looking at me through your eyes.

Anyway, I'm working on all kinds of things - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and am oh so grateful for the most wonderful people who are in my life and even those that I don't know at all or know that well who have happened to catch these words every so often.

Wow - reading back I've gone all over the place with this.  Just know the review is what brought things into focus for me and I won't be as chatty here in the blogging world.

I ALWAYS welcome emails and ALWAYS am pretty open with my life - all it takes is someone to ask a question.  Please feel free to ask me questions.

Anyway, love to you all.

PS:  I gained another pound, so I'm back to 222.  Toldja it's been rough...  Next time I gain (which I hope I won't but if I do) I plan on gaining 'cause I'm having a FABULOUS time with family/friends eating and laughing and having fun.  The gaining will not be because I'm a shell of myself and eating is the ONLY thing that seems to make sense.

Love you all!


Jen said...

You are amazing! So honest and brave. Thanks for sharing. You are an inspiration. (Don't shake your head...BELIEVE IT!)

Cassie and Chad said...

You are awesome and brave and truly a great person! It kills me that you are beating yourself up, I hate that! There is so much to who you are and your weight isn't even part of that, I am just cheering you on. Do what makes you most happy.
Life is Good...make the most of it!!! Love ya!

Brad Martineau said...

Tara, you rock. When I read your last post this immediately came to mind. Click here to read it..

That and a concept out of The Ultimate Sales Machine by Chet Holmes about "pig-headed discipline and determination."

Keep going, and ignore the bad days. They pretty much don't matter any way.

woodfamilyaz said...

You are a beautiful person no matter what! We love you! Always and forever...

Jenna said...

You are so honest and just a genuine lovely person. Thank you for being you!

Jessi said...

You are loved!