Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I've had a few phone calls and concerned emails from people wanting to make sure I'm okay.

I'm doing absolutely FANTASTIC and I meant to convey that in my last post.

Guess it didn't really come across that way and I apologize for any undue worry on my part.

I'm excellent - more excellent today than I've been in a REALLY long time.

Thanks for the concern!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A confession

I have been stewing and fretting and wondering how to write this post.

See, this whole weight loss process has become a gigantic depression-inducing thing for me.

(I'm sure you couldn't tell that by the posts I've been writing.)

Anyway, I am lucky enough, sincerely and truly lucky enough to get to work at a place where we have a performance review EVERY QUARTER.  From what I understand, this isn't normal in the professional work place.  Well my professional work place has been doing this for going on 7 years now and I look forward to them each quarter.  I look forward to them because they are always a time for me to learn and grow.  And I do each and every time.

It's a great time to reflect on my professional life (goals, accomplishments, weaknesses, etc.), as well as my personal life, and going one step further - my religious/spiritual life.

I have a boss who is probably one of my all time favorite people.  We work as a team quite well and he has helped improve me, my skills, my thought processes, and has challenged me more than anyone has ever done.  I'm so grateful to him, which is part of the reason why I so look forward to these meetings.

My quarterly review was yesterday (Monday).  As I was mentally preparing myself for this on Sunday, I dredged up a bunch of JUNK, emotional junk that brought me to the depths of despair.  I was a miserable human being all day on Sunday and the tears wouldn't stop flowing for all of the abuse I was giving myself, the pleading I was giving to the Lord, and just the sheer loneliness I've been feeling/experiencing as of late.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, the main reason is the fact that I don't like to fail.  In fact it has always terrified me to a point that I just don't plan for or do anything that would possibly make me fail.  I have ALWAYS been this way.  Setting up this very, VERY public way to diet and lose weight and try to become more healthy has turned out to be one ginormous failure that I could not seem to get over, especially because it wasn't just me experiencing it.  I wasn't only failing me - I was failing all (2-3) of you.

At least that was how I was looking and it and experiencing it and I was absolutely miserable as a result.

I'm not done dieting.  Quite the contrary, I'm more than determined to succeed.  And succeed even more than I could ever hope in succeeding.  Eating healthier, eating less, and exercising a whole lot more.

But to be a different kind of successful, I need to stop stressing/worrying/stewing/whining about it if I don't lose something every week.  I also need to stop publicly flogging myself.

I will continue to blog and post updates now and then, but not every day.  I just can't.  At least not right now.  I don't know if it's doing any of you any good, but it most certainly isn't doing me any good.  I can't even look myself in the mirror because of how much I despise myself looking at me through your eyes.

Anyway, I'm working on all kinds of things - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and am oh so grateful for the most wonderful people who are in my life and even those that I don't know at all or know that well who have happened to catch these words every so often.

Wow - reading back I've gone all over the place with this.  Just know the review is what brought things into focus for me and I won't be as chatty here in the blogging world.

I ALWAYS welcome emails and ALWAYS am pretty open with my life - all it takes is someone to ask a question.  Please feel free to ask me questions.

Anyway, love to you all.

PS:  I gained another pound, so I'm back to 222.  Toldja it's been rough...  Next time I gain (which I hope I won't but if I do) I plan on gaining 'cause I'm having a FABULOUS time with family/friends eating and laughing and having fun.  The gaining will not be because I'm a shell of myself and eating is the ONLY thing that seems to make sense.

Love you all!

Friday, July 23, 2010

No update

I don't have an update weight-wise for you this week, as I've been sick with the flu or some such thing for the past couple of days.  My fat doctor's office closes at noon on Fridays and I don't get out of work until 2:30.  So now I get to wait until next week.

I'm okay with that I think.

It's funny, I was thinking what a great way to lose weight when you're puking and pooping.  Then I remembered I did a blog post under my debt blog about the same thing:  HERE.

So there you go.  You're losing weight (hopefully) and saving money while being so sick.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Happy Friday/weekend everyone!  May it be full of health and fun...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Or a chest to put it on...

Do you remember the phrase, "Want a brownie button or a chest to put it on?"  This prolly only applies to girls, but who knows - maybe boys were as interested in their chest sizes as girls were.


Anyway, I was again loathing myself on a scale yesterday that I think has surpassed any former loathing.  I was bound and determined to get my booty out of bed and walk on that treadmill.  I wake up at the right times to do it, I just can't seem to muster the strength or desire or whatever to get out of bed to do it.

So I was then determined to walk on the dreaded treadmill last night.  I even skipped family home evening with my sister and her family to ensure that I do it, sort of as a form of self-punishment for being so blasted lazy.

Hmm, got home last night, was sweaty just from bringing in groceries and decided maybe tomorrow.

You really wonder why I'm still single, don't you?

Anyway, I was getting ready for bed and it just kept nagging me that I was failing, YET AGAIN, so miserably.  Do I really have so little self control?  Really Tara?

So I just did it.  I jumped on that treadmill in my special backside burning shoes and walked that thing until sweat was pouring from every edifice (TMI?).

Yes, I want that brownie button now.  I already have the chest to put it on.

Actually, just gimme the brownie.

Mmm, brownies...

Monday, July 19, 2010

My Peeps

I discovered something about me this weekend.

When my "peeps" are not in their rightful places, I don't deal well. I deal in my typical way: they are out having a life (which usually equals fun) without me and I have no life except this damn diet and screw the diet - I'm eating my nachos!

Well, that's it in a nutshell anyway (sorry for the swearing Mom). Last week my boss, my sister and her family, and my weekend buddy who I do just about everything with were all out of town. Out of town doing really cool things.

And I was here NOT doing cool things. NOT even doing things I SHOULD be doing.

And so I ate and whined and ate and slept and ate and complained. And ate.

(Ooh, I'm a catch, aren't I?!?)

Anyway, I was desperately trying to figure out where my motivation went, why I was sabotaging myself and this weight loss regime, and why I couldn't get a grip.

I need my peeps.

And my peeps (most of them anyway) are back.

Diet is back on!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Diet Quotes

Which ones do you like best? Most of these are tongue in cheek. I know being overweight is a serious thing, but in order for me to deal with it best, I need to be able to laugh about it. So laugh with me and tell me which you like best.

1.  I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops. ~Marie Mott

2.  She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." ~P.G. Wodehouse

3.  Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett

4.  Obesity is really widespread. ~Joseph O. Kern II

5.  My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles

6.  We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it. ~Author Unknown

7.  The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry

8.  Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. ~Author Unknown

9.  We never repent of having eaten too little. ~Thomas Jefferson, 1825

10. When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~Janette Barber

11. My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it. ~Harry Secombe

12. I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food. ~Erma Bombeck

13. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained. ~Author Unknown

14. Dieters live life in the fasting lane. ~Author Unknown

15. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone

16. I am a nutritional overachiever. ~Author Unknown

17. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it. ~Jackie Gleason

18. I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown

19. Dieting is wishful shrinking. ~Author Unknown

20. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. ~Author Unknown

21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

22. If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush. ~Dawn French

23.Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not! ~Author Unknown

24. The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook. ~Andy Rooney

25. Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge. ~Don Kardong

26. I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me! ~Author Unknown

27. I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. ~Mae West

28. I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~Paula Poundstone

29. In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. ~Stephen Phillips

30. The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. ~Author Unknown

31. When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I don't want to write this. I don't. I don't. I don't.

I don't.

I gained another pound this week, which means 221 is the magic number.

Such an ugly number.

I'm thinking all kinds of ugly thoughts.

And calling me all kinds of ugly names.

No excuses. I'm just weak.

221. Ugh.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Good friends, good food

I had the privilege and pleasure of dining with some good friends of mine last night.

Clint and Natalie and their beautiful kids Ryan and Jane were ever the charming hosts and the company and food were fantastic.

Natalie, knowing how I'm "trying" to lose weight (oh so not doing well there) made a very tasty dish of balsamic glazed chicken breasts, roasted new potatoes with onions (mmm, one of my FAVORITE things to eat), and I made a spinach and strawberry salad with this dressing:

My salad was probably the most caloric thing on the menu due to the dressing, but we only used just a little bit and it really enhanced the sweetness of the strawberries (this dressing is to die for - you can only get it at AJs in Arizona - not sure where to get it in other states).

Natalie's chicken was soaked in balsamic vinegar, a little bit of honey, some fresh garlic and some rosemary. She soaked it overnight and grilled it on her George Foreman grill.  It was gooooood...

The potatoes were roasted in the oven with a sprinkling of extra virgin olive oil and onion soup mix on top.

For dessert we had baked apples (cut in little cubes) with also just a sprinkling of oats, cinnamon, and a little bit of brown sugar. Mostly the crunchiness and sweetness of the apples were what came through and it was really delicious.  For the official recipe, go HERE.

It was tasty, healthy and I got a wonderful kid fix by blowing bubbles with Ryan and holding and nuzzling their sweet newborn Jane.

Thanks Clint and Natalie. Love you guys and am grateful for your friendship and family and for the yummy and healthy food!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Strange dinner last night

I was hungry last night when I got home from work, but am desperately trying to find foods that are high on flavor/longevity, low on calories.

I created the strangest dinner last night, and it was by far the most satisfying I've had yet.

I cooked brown rice (just plain - no salt or oil or any flavorings added), then added 1/2 cup of Ranch Style beans to the top. Added a handful of frozen corn (thawed out in the microwave) and a couple of splashes of Tabasco sauce for kick.

That's it. No salt. No cheese. No sauce (except with the beans). It was plentiful, it filled me up and kept me full for the rest of the evening (I ate this right around 5:00) and it was really, REALLY good.

I told you it was strange, but I will definitely try it again...

Monday, July 12, 2010


1 bean and cheese burrito with no sauce and no onions equals 340 calories per this link.

You're welcome.


I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Is this our only vice?

I usually work in the Mesa, AZ temple every Friday evening. I have a friend who I work with, an older lady who I think is pretty terrific.

I told her a couple of weeks ago about my weight loss plan and she asked me why I was doing it.

"I'm fat."

She laughed and told me of a friend she had when she was younger: a single, male, non-LDS friend. He had a real problem with dating LDS girls because he said they were always chunky.

She yelled at him and told him that LDS girls do not drink alcohol, they do not drink coffee or strong tea, they don't smoke, they don't have pre-marital sex and if they like food, THAT IS THEIR ONLY VICE and to give them a break.

She said he was impressed with that and shut up.

Hmm - maybe being fluffy isn't such a horrible thing...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

This should help keep me on track

I found these at Costco last night and I am a happy camper:

These little beauties are yellow tomatoes - cherry tomato size so you can pop one in your mouth easily and quickly. They are so stinkin' good and sweet, they are almost better than candy.

Yeah, I really did say that.

This will help with the munchies, that is for dang sure. I strongly encourage you to go try some. Oh. So. GOOD.

And the grand total for this week is...

...+1 - so I'm back at 220.

And really, I'm okay with that. I did not deserve to ONLY gain one pound. The crap, um food that I ate this weekend should have loaded it all back on.

Only one pound.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Comfort Food

All of the "experts" say you should never turn to food for comfort.

I agree. Except I made a massive exception this weekend.

I had a LOUSY holiday weekend. For the past 3-4 weeks or so, I've been experiencing numbness and tingling in my neck/shoulder area. Friday morning (July 2) I woke up and could not move my head. I had pain in my neck radiating down my left shoulder blade.


I went to a chiropractor Friday morning and he thinks I have some kind of damage in there. Where it came from is anyone's guess. He thought it could possibly stem from a car accident I had 6 years ago. Who knows.

Yet another weird LaRue disease that goes unexplained.

Anyway, I had every intention of shopping for a car on Saturday and/or Monday, since it was a 3-day weekend and every car dealership was having holiday specials going on.

I ended up staying home the entire weekend alone (as my family was all in either Utah or Colorado). And man alive, did I have a SPECTACULAR mope.

Major pity party for one with all the junk food one could imagine.

Yeah - I get weighed tomorrow. Does anyone want to guess how much weight I GAINED? I have no doubt whatsoever there will have been no weight lost. None at all.

Just need to start over I 'spose and suck it up (that was for you Leslie).

Dreading tomorrow...

Friday, July 2, 2010

My Breakfast

This is my breakfast every morning. I mix it with about 2 cups of skim milk and a teaspoon of natural peanut butter. Below is my all time favorite brand:

This drink is awesome. Why? Here are just some of the ingredients: Organic Vegetable Blend (carrot, broccoli, tomato, cucumber, kale, spinach, parsley, abbage, celery, cauliflower, green bell peppers, asparagus, brussels sprouts, onion, garlic, ginger), Organic Fruit Blend (apple, grape, grapefruit, orange, pineapple, lemon, lime, cherry, watermelon, pear, mango, strawberry, papaya, tangerine, apricot) with lots of other stuff. The kicker?

IT TASTES REALLY, REALLY GOOD (it's chocolate). The key is to mix it with skim milk and not water. Water with it is disgusting. Milk makes all the difference in the world. The packet has 100 calories, 2 cups of skim milk is about 180 calories, and a teaspoon of peanut butter is another 100 calories.

I have been drinking this stuff every day for almost a year now and man alive, I crave it and miss it when I skip a day. Honestly.

Oh so tasty.

And it fills me up until lunch. I drink it on my way to work each morning. I leave my house at 7:00 a.m. and am finished with it by about 7:15 a.m. I then don't take a lunch break until around 12:00 noon. And I'm not hungry until then. Awesome.

Here is their website if you're interested ( . It's not cheap ($39.00 for a box of 12), but for me, getting all those veggies and fruits into my diet is well worth the price. And the more you buy at once, the cheaper it is per packet.

Anyway, I don't have a computer at home and my blogging is done at work. I have Monday off, so I will not be adding to this blog until Tuesday the 6th.

Have a most WONDERFUL holiday weekend everyone. Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your family!

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (I'm a Mormon). One of the programs our Church has is the Visiting Teaching program. This is where two women are assigned to visit 1-3 women each month, give a lesson, and just offer encouragement and help when needed. This way everyone in the ward (congregation) is made aware of and someone is always thinking and/or taking care of them (it's such a nice program).

I have two lovely visiting teachers: Nicole and Tiffany.

Here is what Nicole brought me yesterday:

An entire loaf of homemade white bread, and it was still hot from the oven. This was at 6:00 p.m. last night. They left my house around 7:00 p.m. last night.

As of 6:00 a.m. this morning, that same loaf of bread looked like this:

Right next to this pan are these:

One does not get to weigh 231 by accident. I can eat. And I can eat homemade white bread like there is NO TOMORROW.

Sadly, tomorrow came (it's today) and my belly is full full full of this delicious stuff. I should totally feel guilty. I really should.

But I don't because it was THAT good and what's on my mind right now is knowing that it's waiting for me at home.

Epic fail for my diet, epic win for the visiting teaching program!