Back in the saddle again...

Yeah - I'm baaaaaaaaaaack.

I've been challenged to see this thing through.  So I'm gonna.

My goal is to lose 50 pounds by April 30.  My pal Candace is gonna do this with me.

We both wanna go to New York in the spring.

There's our motivation.

That's all fer now...

Confession:

Today I had a really healthy meal of hummus and pitas.  And then I topped it off with a very tasty piece of baklava.

Yeah - I'm NEVER going to lose this weight, am I?!?

My full tummy doesn't seem to care that much today...

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!

Clarification:

I've had a few phone calls and concerned emails from people wanting to make sure I'm okay.

I'm doing absolutely FANTASTIC and I meant to convey that in my last post.

Guess it didn't really come across that way and I apologize for any undue worry on my part.

I'm excellent - more excellent today than I've been in a REALLY long time.

Thanks for the concern!

A confession

I have been stewing and fretting and wondering how to write this post.

See, this whole weight loss process has become a gigantic depression-inducing thing for me.

(I'm sure you couldn't tell that by the posts I've been writing.)

Anyway, I am lucky enough, sincerely and truly lucky enough to get to work at a place where we have a performance review EVERY QUARTER.  From what I understand, this isn't normal in the professional work place.  Well my professional work place has been doing this for going on 7 years now and I look forward to them each quarter.  I look forward to them because they are always a time for me to learn and grow.  And I do each and every time.

It's a great time to reflect on my professional life (goals, accomplishments, weaknesses, etc.), as well as my personal life, and going one step further - my religious/spiritual life.

I have a boss who is probably one of my all time favorite people.  We work as a team quite well and he has helped improve me, my skills, my thought processes, and has challenged me more than anyone has ever done.  I'm so grateful to him, which is part of the reason why I so look forward to these meetings.

My quarterly review was yesterday (Monday).  As I was mentally preparing myself for this on Sunday, I dredged up a bunch of JUNK, emotional junk that brought me to the depths of despair.  I was a miserable human being all day on Sunday and the tears wouldn't stop flowing for all of the abuse I was giving myself, the pleading I was giving to the Lord, and just the sheer loneliness I've been feeling/experiencing as of late.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, the main reason is the fact that I don't like to fail.  In fact it has always terrified me to a point that I just don't plan for or do anything that would possibly make me fail.  I have ALWAYS been this way.  Setting up this very, VERY public way to diet and lose weight and try to become more healthy has turned out to be one ginormous failure that I could not seem to get over, especially because it wasn't just me experiencing it.  I wasn't only failing me - I was failing all (2-3) of you.

At least that was how I was looking and it and experiencing it and I was absolutely miserable as a result.

I'm not done dieting.  Quite the contrary, I'm more than determined to succeed.  And succeed even more than I could ever hope in succeeding.  Eating healthier, eating less, and exercising a whole lot more.

But to be a different kind of successful, I need to stop stressing/worrying/stewing/whining about it if I don't lose something every week.  I also need to stop publicly flogging myself.

I will continue to blog and post updates now and then, but not every day.  I just can't.  At least not right now.  I don't know if it's doing any of you any good, but it most certainly isn't doing me any good.  I can't even look myself in the mirror because of how much I despise myself looking at me through your eyes.

Anyway, I'm working on all kinds of things - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and am oh so grateful for the most wonderful people who are in my life and even those that I don't know at all or know that well who have happened to catch these words every so often.

Wow - reading back I've gone all over the place with this.  Just know the review is what brought things into focus for me and I won't be as chatty here in the blogging world.

I ALWAYS welcome emails and ALWAYS am pretty open with my life - all it takes is someone to ask a question.  Please feel free to ask me questions.

Anyway, love to you all.

PS:  I gained another pound, so I'm back to 222.  Toldja it's been rough...  Next time I gain (which I hope I won't but if I do) I plan on gaining 'cause I'm having a FABULOUS time with family/friends eating and laughing and having fun.  The gaining will not be because I'm a shell of myself and eating is the ONLY thing that seems to make sense.

Love you all!

No update

I don't have an update weight-wise for you this week, as I've been sick with the flu or some such thing for the past couple of days.  My fat doctor's office closes at noon on Fridays and I don't get out of work until 2:30.  So now I get to wait until next week.

I'm okay with that I think.

It's funny, I was thinking what a great way to lose weight when you're puking and pooping.  Then I remembered I did a blog post under my debt blog about the same thing:  HERE.

So there you go.  You're losing weight (hopefully) and saving money while being so sick.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Happy Friday/weekend everyone!  May it be full of health and fun...

Or a chest to put it on...

Do you remember the phrase, "Want a brownie button or a chest to put it on?"  This prolly only applies to girls, but who knows - maybe boys were as interested in their chest sizes as girls were.

Hmm...

Anyway, I was again loathing myself on a scale yesterday that I think has surpassed any former loathing.  I was bound and determined to get my booty out of bed and walk on that treadmill.  I wake up at the right times to do it, I just can't seem to muster the strength or desire or whatever to get out of bed to do it.

So I was then determined to walk on the dreaded treadmill last night.  I even skipped family home evening with my sister and her family to ensure that I do it, sort of as a form of self-punishment for being so blasted lazy.

Hmm, got home last night, was sweaty just from bringing in groceries and decided maybe tomorrow.

You really wonder why I'm still single, don't you?

Anyway, I was getting ready for bed and it just kept nagging me that I was failing, YET AGAIN, so miserably.  Do I really have so little self control?  Really Tara?

So I just did it.  I jumped on that treadmill in my special backside burning shoes and walked that thing until sweat was pouring from every edifice (TMI?).

Yes, I want that brownie button now.  I already have the chest to put it on.

Actually, just gimme the brownie.

Mmm, brownies...

My Peeps

I discovered something about me this weekend.

When my "peeps" are not in their rightful places, I don't deal well. I deal in my typical way: they are out having a life (which usually equals fun) without me and I have no life except this damn diet and screw the diet - I'm eating my nachos!

Well, that's it in a nutshell anyway (sorry for the swearing Mom). Last week my boss, my sister and her family, and my weekend buddy who I do just about everything with were all out of town. Out of town doing really cool things.

And I was here NOT doing cool things. NOT even doing things I SHOULD be doing.

And so I ate and whined and ate and slept and ate and complained. And ate.

(Ooh, I'm a catch, aren't I?!?)

Anyway, I was desperately trying to figure out where my motivation went, why I was sabotaging myself and this weight loss regime, and why I couldn't get a grip.

I need my peeps.

And my peeps (most of them anyway) are back.

Diet is back on!